Diary: Am I the Drama?
I’ve been doing very well at protecting my peace, making sure to make and take space for myself; especially in the early mornings before the hustle bustle of daily life starts. A good couple of hours before my dog starts begging to go for a walk, and before my brain starts somersaulting with the many high pressure tasks I usually deal with at work. (Gratitude break: I am SO grateful to have a job that affords me the opportunity to take care of myself and live my life comfortably).
My morning routine consists of waking up at 4:30- 5:00 a.m. (whenever I’m not wide awake at 3 AM for no good reason). I make a cup of strong, fragrant coffee, enter my office/meditation/workout room, light a nice smelling candle, select a crystal and begin a 15-20 minute morning meditation. Afterwards, I will write in my journal, read scripture or something motivational, pray, and sometimes have a cleansing cry; whatever I feel moved to do at the moment. I do this even before I shower (mind your manners!) because the shower has ALWAYS been my think tank, my brain whirring with all the things I need to accomplish that day, and oftentimes beating myself up for something I did or didn’t do; and I haven’t figured out how to stop that yet. For me, showering before I take care of my mental health is counterproductive in this mindfulness process. If you are familiar, you will know that some people who suffer with chronic or prolonged depression may not shower for days. (#avoidance)
If/when I oversleep, and need to abbreviate my routine, I take my best girl out for her ONE HOUR morning walk- this dog is a curious girl and takes her very sweet time perusing EVERYTHING. Mustering every bit of patience I have with her, I use the time to mindfully meditate, connect with the Universe, and pray.
But, recently, (or always-let my mind tell it) I’ve been through a string of really bad luck. Like, REALLY bad and REALLY long. Despite my best efforts to remain unphased by these bad events stalking me, there’s only so much a person can take…Or is there? Why weren’t my prayers being answered or heard?
This past July 2024, I traveled to Thailand for my 55th Birthday trip/gift to myself. It was a wellness retreat and I was SUPER pumped about it. I’d never been on a trip that epic and never that far by myself. I went with a wonderful group that I would definitely highly recommend (tagged below). A few months prior to my trip, I had begun to have some unexplained body aches and pains, beyond anything I’d normally experienced, in my lower back and hips. I eventually went to the doctor and found that I had arthritis and needed physical therapy. Ok, I thought, not so bad- this is the reason for my trip, to heal my mind, body and soul.
Just about 2 weeks prior to my long awaited trip, I began to feel a deep, burning sensation in my left shoulder (I’m a leftie by the way). It bothered me slightly during my meditations, but I found that lying down for my practice helped. I just assumed the pain was the byproduct of being the proverbial ‘bag lady’ (another story) and maybe Carpal Tunnel onset?
As I neared just one week of my departure, the pain in my shoulder/arm intensified. It was throbbing at all times now, not just during my practice, and even when I wasn’t carrying anything (note: baggage is not only physical). SHIT, I was NOT about to cancel my trip and I had no time to go to the doctor again before hand. Besides, did I really want bad news before my trip?! (pessimist mind at work).
I went on my trip, in severe pain, I popped Tylenols every day like candy- multiple times a day. I purchased a heating/cold pad in Target before I left that I packed in my carry-on, and I prayed. I asked, no BEGGED the Universe and God to please work with me, as this was important to me. I thought I’d deserved at least that.
Universe (or fate) said NO for some reason, and my pain intensified on the long flight legs. (remind me to fly first class next time!). I arrived in Bangkok to learn that my next leg was delayed. I sat on cold, hard airport seats for several hours while waiting for the delay to end, only to find out that the flight would be cancelled. I was in so much extreme pain by this time and despair that I would miss out on my first day of vacation, that I became severely depressed and borderline angry. WHY DON’T GOOD THINGS EVER HAPPEN TO OR FOR ME! I literally cried out. I’m pretty sure I expressed my poor luck on Facebook as well before I’d had a chance to regroup. NOTHING EVER WORKS OUT FOR ME, I lamented to whomever was reading.
For context, I was (am) already in the throes of severe emotional upset. I have two small grandchildren that I’ve only seen twice in their little lives, and it’s not due to the fact that they live in Costa Rica. As an adopted person, this has pained me so deeply that I can’t sleep nor function most days. This also drove a deeper wedge between me and my son, and although I thought I was making my best efforts to help, nothing improved. At all. It’s been 2 years now. This has caused me immense grief but also led me on my current path to internal peace and spiritual wellness. What will be will be, I’d told myself.
Many other discouraging things happened in between then and now, (a cracked windshield on my car, never-ending work woes, my physical pain increasing, and no good news on the family front). But wait! hold this beer: There was a major fire at my job AGAIN. I couldn’t believe MY misfortune! I’d have to travel again extensively! My workload would increase heavily. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on my personal development goals.
It was then that I thought AM I THE DRAMA? Why did such horrible luck continue to follow me around constantly? I could never get a break, NEVER. This very same thing happened at this property a couple of years ago! I started thinking how every property I’ve ever worked at has had a fire; one property had a fire exactly one week after the company I work for assumed Management, and who was it assigned to? Well, me of course. I just knew I HAD to be the bad luck, negative energy, and the unwanted drama.
“You are not the drama, rather you are equipped.”
Bad things happen to everyone Good things also happen to us all. When you feel like you've been dealt a bad hand, (or several in my case) it can be hard to believe that the Universe isn't against you. If we are not careful, negative self-talk can creep it’s way into our minds and attempt to settle in. Almost making us believe we have the worst luck ever. This is a quick way to sink into depression.
But it's important to KNOW that the universe is NOT against you. You must continue to do right by yourself and others, even through the trials. Also, know that you are equipped to handle everything that comes your way. Practice makes perfect in all endeavors. Self-love IS a continual practice for all, as your mind can easily interject negative feelings. It’s called a PRACTICE for a reason.
Celebrate yourself, you deserve it!
-Trophy, well deserved prop
Who was more in need of and deserving of a free hotel room in unplanned Bangkok than ME, allowing time to refresh, regroup and rest. I was so grateful to have arrived to my epic vacation in a better state of mind than I was after delays and cancellations.
Who better than ME has been able to compassionately and expertly handle multiple (large) fires in my career; comforting families and making them feel safe and supported. (Yes, I am tooting my horn).
Who better than ME could feel assured that I WILL see my grandchildren again? I know that children never stop wanting to know their biological origins, even as adults. Time may not be on my side, but I feel assured that I will see them again somehow. That they will know me.
Who better than ME would rock it out despite all of my pain on my most epic trip to date. Who other than me could push through and do ALL the things, from hiking, to cooking classes, to exercising, to elephant tours and beach runs; making lasting memories with new and like minded people. ( I WAS miserable, but I definitely did not want to give off bad energy- it was such a great group!)
Who better than YOU can make it through your unique challenges and unexpected losses? Who better than YOU is deserving of forgiveness, compassion and support? Who better than you is worthy of it all? Don’t let bad things that may happen draw you into a place of despair and hopelessness. It happens to us all and we can survive it.
Our existence and our experiences are tailored specifically for US. We can make it through with a little help from each other, the Universe, and whatever higher power you believe in. You are supported; go with that! More importantly, never give up. The Universe is depending on every single one of us.
Affirm: I am valuable. I am equipped. I am necessary.
